I had forgotten what layout I had.

Yeah, like it matters.  I visit this thing...well, this is the first time since the summer. 

...My head hurts.

It hurts because I'm tired.  I'm good at being either hopeful or numb to what's lurking in the back of my mind.  I've been that way for nearly two years.  It's rare for me to be raw anymore, to be sad.  At least not consciously or for the reason I'm going to suggest.

I was reading these books, and seeing as they're romance books, they do this to me.  They unleash that sinking feeling.  That headache.  Yeah, it's sad, that a book manipulates my emotions that well, but something has to, if nothing else does (P.S. They're not Harry Potter, and I know you were thinking they were, but they're not).  I had read them already, and last time I did, the same thing happened.  They always get me to thinking about how things could've been or could've gone, what would have happened, what I was still repressing and refusing to admit to; refusing to admit that I was scared. 

I'm scared now.  I'm scared of college, I'm scared of change, but all those horrible, icky feelings of acceptance and love are visiting, too.  They're sick of being igored inside my mind, tucked away.  They would come out occasionally, in perhaps jealousy, but never fully.  I can't stop thinking of them now. 

I didn't know where else to write.  I don't particularly want feedback, I just didn't know where else to write.  MSWord seemed...too easy for someone else to see.  What do you title this?  Facebook notes?  Yah, let's look like a loser some more, Linds.  Myspace?  Yeah, I hate Myspace  Xanga?  ...Well, I guess.

I wonder too much.  I seek too much, I try too hard.  When I convince myself to stop trying, I shut down.  Which is the way to go?  I need to be happy with myself first, I know that.  And mostly, I am.  I don't know what my problem is.  I have a few theories.  I'm still holding onto that first time, that first...well.  See?  I don't even want to call it what it was, because even I think it sounds "sketchy", and I know it was real.  For me, at least.  I also have too much pride.  I can't show my weakness.

I dunno.  Maybe college (yikes) will change me.  Maybe someone else will finally tell me how pathetic I am and I'll stop this rubbish.  I let myself get carried away in fantasies.  I'm bored.  I will push this back, back, until it resurfaces again, and maybe by then their will be promise. 

My head hurts.

So I'm sort of trying out for American Idol tomorrow.

Probably a waste of time, heh.

Oh sweet Jesus life.

I hate being dumb.

...

...

fffffffffffffffffffuck.

...

agh, its done.  sorry xanga.  we're done.

Oh, xanga.  How ever glad I am that you still exist right now and that no one will read this since they're on Myspace and Facebook.

I don't want to do a "woe is me" or a "pity me" thing here at all, but it might come across that way.

I guess I've gotten some feedback on my flaws, which is fine.  I mean, I knew some of them, but if you're doing something bad and your friends tell you or hint at it or you realize it, then how is that bad?  It just gives you a chance to correct the situation.  I've learned that I'm slowly morphing into an arrogant person, and that's not what I want to be.  God forbid anyone that does.  I don't know, I guess I didn't think I took myself too seriously.  It could be that I was joking and I come off that way or that I actually am.  Either way, it's not good.  If we're talking about the musical or anything related to choir/drama/ech, then I know I must be.  I just...I dunno, I guess I felt like I earned all of the parts/solos/whatever, mostly because I've been doing it all of my life and I finally got what I wanted and worked for.  I took the classes, I learned the etiquette, whatever.  I didn't want to be one of those people that at their moment to shine turned into a complete diva, but I guess that's what's happened.

I'm glad it's come to my attention, because I don't want to be the person my friends don't even like.  Like they're only friends with me because they feel obligated.  This all sounds incredibly "emo" but I'm not about to go cut myself or anything, I just wanted to put my thoughts down and vow to change.  I mean, we all have our faults, but if so many people are noticing this one then it needs to be taken care of.  It hurts to hear it and it makes me want to defend myself, but I can't.  They're right, and I'm wrong.  So it's up to me to change.

Anyway, thanks xanga.  I know you won't be like "Awww, that's not true" and "Awww, Lindsay, you're only this blah blah blah".  I can't talk to anyone about this, because they'll either lie, tell me the truth I already know and hate to hear, or they won't know me well enough to know.

Gaaah!  Last time talking about myself, swear.

- Lindsay 

Okay, so this is like one of the last times I'm gonna use this damned thing.

"I told you so" gets REALLY old.  Not kidding.

But it's cute, right? 

I knew I was gonna get the "I told you so" anyway.

- Lindsay